i feel so disconnected from myself. my appearance, my life, my choices and actions, they aren’t me. when i look at myself in the mirror, i recognise the reflection as ‘me’, yet i don’t see myself. i see a person, who i’ve always known to be me, but they aren’t who i really am. it’s not to say that i don’t like what i look like, i do, but i believe i could be myself in any other body. i am what i am because that’s what i’ve been taught, not because it’s what’s real.
my eyes feel especially heavy, for they bear the weight of this confusion. when i look into the reflection of my eyes, i don’t feel the strongest connection, the undeniable sense of self and soul. yet, i find my eyes are my favourite facial feature of mine, and i often dedicate time and effort into perfecting my eyeliner, dramatising my eyelashes. i draw attention to them, to the ‘windows of my soul’, despite these windows being misted, tainted.
however, this lack of connection to appearance is rather contradictory, for i can be ridiculously insecure about it. which i know is stupid, your value isn’t determined by others, who ultimately aren’t their physical appearances either, but a collection of thoughts and experiences. i invest much of my time in my appearance, from the clothes i wear to the makeup i put on my face, for my personal benefit, and simultaneously for others. more of myself resonates with these materialistic aesthetics than my physicality, and i’m not sure how i feel about that. not worried or concerned, just confused at my lack of understanding of myself.
the confusion is reinforced by my actions, my presence in the world. i’m saying and doing things from the passengers seat, not fully in control or paying attention. at any moment i could take over, take hold, yet i watch everything play out before me, i glaze over it all. at times it’s scared me, for i’m depending on my core morals to guide me, my ‘in the moment’ judgement failing me right now. then again, it’s not failing me, i am. it’s all me, but what i am isn’t me.
much of this probably boils down to the fact that i don’t believe we are out bodies. i am nothing more than a consciousness. you don’t have to have an out of body experience to know that you aren’t your body. i’m trying to connect with spirituality, understand the world around me, as well as inside me. currently, i’m more concerned with my personal philosophies than physicality. again, this is not to say i don’t want to understand my body and posses bodily autonomy, for its am intrinsic part of life, a vessel of experience. so that must mean something, hold value of sort. i think my issue is that i’m struggling to identify that value of the physical self
tuesday, 17th november 2020, 11:50pm
